Well, here it is! My very first blog posting! I now have a place where I can vomit up my every thought if I so choose. I'm so excited! Okay...... now what? Where are all these deep, provocative thoughts that exist within my soul? Hmmmm.... Maybe it's just been built up too much.
Now that I'm in my forties (wow, that felt weird to say, how did I become a woman in her forties?) I think my biggest fear is that I may not leave any real mark on the world. When I was in my twenties, deep down inside I believed I would never grow old. Somehow, old age would escape me and I would remain youngish forever! In my thirties, I was just too busy being busy to think about it. Now, I'm still busy, but the little lines on my forehead are calling to me, making me aware that life doesn't last forever.
I think about my days and what they entail. Really, nothing earth shattering.... For example, our neighbors have a huge pear tree that produced huge amounts of fruit this year. They (an adult group home) didn't use much so the children and I harvested at least five large laundry baskets of the fruit. I've spent weeks of my spare time freezing, canning, pickling and pureeing pears. As I was finishing up the last of the pear butter this previous weekend, I thought to myself, "Does this even matter to anyone?" Don't get me wrong, I'm an avid "do-it-yourselfer" and find deep satisfaction in those homey, self-sufficient type things. But honestly, in one year, or two or ten, is any one of the children going to remember their mother standing in the kitchen chopping pears and if they do, are they going to think of that memory with fondness and adoration? Or will it be more likely that my daughters will swear off all domestic activities and my boys will just make their own wives miserable with unrealistic expectations of homemade "everything"?
Would it be better to just spend that time playing games with the children? Or to sit and watch movies with them? I don't know....Honestly, I don't (in case you thought there was a moral to this story).
I feel really lost about how to approach the rest of my life. I could just focus on being a soft place to fall for my six children, or I could try to really accomplish something with the last of my youth. On one hand, my children could really use my undivided attention. I chose to have them and I should give them my all. On the other hand, my life will end at some point and I would like to accomplish something beyond wonderful children. I think I have spent so much time spinning in circles that I've wasted a whole lot of energy. Do I focus on my children so much because they are so important to me or do I focus on them to avoid dealing with me? Hmmmm.........food for thought......